Setting Boundaries Over the Holidays

We all have different comfort levels when it comes to personal space, emotional intimacy, time commitment, and energy. And the holidays always seem to have a unique way of testing these limits.

From dealing with difficult family members to protecting our time or bank accounts, it's the most wonderful time of the year…to set boundaries, that is.

But what exactly are boundaries? 

Simply put, boundaries are limits we can set with any person, thing, or situation to protect ourselves and our resources. Boundaries allow us to stay focused on who and what is most important to us and help us avoid getting caught up in negativity, conflict, and uncomfortable situations or conversations.

No matter what your need for boundaries may be, let's take a closer look at why healthy boundaries matter and how they can benefit you over the holidays.

Why Setting Boundaries Over the Holidays Matters

Healthy boundaries are essential for maintaining our mental and emotional well-being. When we don't set clear boundaries, it can lead to us feeling resentful, anxious, and overwhelmed.

The holiday season is often a prime example of how unhealthy boundary-setting (or lack thereof) can lead to negative consequences.

For instance, maybe you've been asked by a friend or family member to host this year's Christmas party at your house again, even though you're already overwhelmed with life and work and don't want the extra responsibility. In situations like these, boundaries remind us that we always have right to say "no."

Using this example, here's how you might do this:

Using "I" statements that clearly express your reasons and emotions, you might say, "Every year I host this party, I end up exhausted and unable to enjoy it. I wish I could host the party this year, but I can't handle the added stress right now."

Keep in mind how you set boundaries depends on your limits. For instance, if it's not a flat-out "no," perhaps you are comfortable with and capable of helping. In this case, you could adjust the above phrase to add, "I would, however, be glad to open my space to everyone if you would be willing to help organize and clean." Or "I would love to help with party prep if you would be willing to host. Otherwise, maybe we can work together to start a new tradition this year."

Experience More Peace this Holiday Season

Take a moment to picture yourself setting the above boundary with the other person. Or imagine another scenario more unique to you, such as setting limits on how much you spend on gifts for friends because your budget is important.

Setting ground rules with your relatives on how they conduct themselves or what they discuss at the dinner table might be another critical boundary area for you. For instance, maybe this year, it's time to set a boundary and tell your family that you prefer people put away their phones during family gatherings or at the dinner table.

There's no denying that setting a boundary can initially feel uncomfortable, awkward, or scary. But imagine how you would feel once it's said and done. You might be surprised by how much peace you can experience this holiday season when you finally speak it.

Tips for Setting Holiday Boundaries

Boundary setting is about learning to say "no" in a kind and direct way. While boundaries are about putting your needs first, they are also about keeping others' feelings and concerns in mind to help promote mutual understanding. So first and foremost, be respectful, open, and honest.

If you are ready to set boundaries over this holiday season – even just one – here are a few tips to keep in mind:

1. Be honest with yourself and others about what you can handle.

2. Remember to use "I" statements to take responsibility for your feelings and avoid pointing blame.

3. Be prepared with alternative suggestions or solutions.

4. Don't make excuses or apologize unnecessarily.

5. Stick to your decision—even if it's not popular.

Finally, know that you can walk away whenever you need to. Boundaries are about acting on what you can control, and sometimes people will continue to test them, even once you've done your part. Sometimes, doing what's within your control means walking away to preserve your boundaries and protect your mental health.

Looking For Support Setting Holiday Boundaries?

The holidays can be stressful for many people—but they don't have to be! Setting healthy boundaries is an effective way to reduce stress and anxiety while protecting your energy and time.

If you are struggling with where or how to start with boundary setting, professional counseling can help you learn and apply the tools you need to set them. Together, we can identify your values, triggers, and limits to overcome holiday challenges and make the most of this special season.