The Importance of Validating Your Teenager

Validation is a critical aspect of parenting, especially when raising teenagers who are in a phase where they're trying to figure out who they are, what they stand for, and where they fit in. They may feel confused, uncertain, and overwhelmed as they navigate the challenges of adolescence. As a parent, validating your teen's feelings, thoughts, and experiences is important to help them feel heard, understood, and supported.

So, what exactly is validation? Validation means acknowledging and accepting your teen's emotions and experiences. It's about communicating to your teen that their feelings are valid and understandable given the circumstances.

Validation doesn't mean you have to condone bad behavior or agree with every decision your teen makes, but it does mean that you're willing to listen and understand where they're coming from.

Validation Strengthens the Bond Between You and Your Teen

There are many reasons why validating your teen is important. Validation can help build trust and strengthen your relationship with your teen. When your teen feels heard and understood by you, they're more likely to come to you for advice and support in the future.

Validating Your Teen Boosts Their Confidence

Validating your teen can also help boost their self-esteem and confidence. When they feel like their emotions and experiences are valid and important, they're more likely to feel good about themselves and their ability to navigate the challenges of adolescence

Validation Promotes Emotional Intelligence and Regulation

Another important reason to validate your teen is that it can help them develop emotional regulation skills. When you validate your teen's feelings, you're helping them learn how to identify and manage their emotions healthily. 

By acknowledging their feelings and helping them express them safely and constructively, you're helping them develop a strong sense of emotional intelligence that will serve them well throughout their lives.

Validating Your Teen Normalizes Seeking Support

Mental health issues are often seen as taboo; whether your teenager is struggling with a mental health concern or a typical teenage issue like peer pressure, many teenagers feel embarrassed or afraid to seek help.

Normalizing these issues and showing your teenager that you're willing to discuss them openly can help reduce the stigma.

If your teenager is struggling, the most important thing you can do to normalize getting help is to directly encourage them to talk to a trusted adult or professional. Laying a groundwork that encourages them to want to seek help on their own is equally important. Validation plays an integral role in both.

If you can validate your teen, they may feel more comfortable seeking support - now, in the future, or both.

The Potential Harm of Invalidation

As a parent, it can be difficult to watch your teenager go through the ups and downs of adolescence. It's normal for them to experience mood swings, act out, or withdraw from activities they once enjoyed. However, it's important to remember that sometimes these behaviors result from your teenager feeling invalidated.

To recap, when we talk about validation, we're referring to acknowledging and accepting someone's thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Invalidation is the opposite of that; it's when someone dismisses or denies another person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

When we communicate to another person that what they're doing, thinking, or feeling doesn't make sense or is an overreaction, the invalidated person feels confused, ashamed, and "wrong." 

Invalidation can be hurtful and cause lasting damage, which is why it's so important to be aware of how you might be invalidating your teenager—even if you're doing it unintentionally.

Here are some common examples of invalidation:

Dismissing their feelings: "You're just overreacting."; "It's not that big of a deal."; "There's no reason to cry."

Labeling them: "Stop being so shy"; "You're so dramatic."

Comparing them to others: "Your brother would never behave like that."; "Why can't you be more like your sister?"

Invalidating their experiences: "That didn't happen."; "You're just imagining things."

Downplaying their experiences: "How do you think that makes me feel?"; "Well, life's not fair…."

As you can see, invalidation takes many different forms. It can be overt, like labeling or name-calling, or more subtle, like dismissing their feelings or downplaying their experiences.

Either way, invalidation is harmful because it communicates to your teenager that what they're feeling or experiencing isn't true or important. In some cases, such as through labeling, invalidating your teen can significantly influence how they view themselves. This can further fuel a pattern of behavior that limits their potential and makes it hard for your teen to change.

Ultimately, all forms of invalidation can contribute to higher levels of emotional dysregulation. Eventually, this can lead to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

How to Validate Your Teen's Feelings

It's important to be there for your teenager, both emotionally and practically. For this reason, it helps to know exactly what you can say. The following examples of validating statements for teens can be used in various situations to communicate to your teen that you're there for them and that their feelings matter.

Examples of Validating Statements for Teens:

• "I can see why that would be frustrating for you."

• "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed right now."

• "I understand why that would make you sad/upset/angry."

• "You're not alone in feeling that way."

• "I'm here for you, no matter what."

These statements are simple but powerful, and they can help your teen feel heard and understood. They also demonstrate that you're not trying to dismiss or minimize their emotions, but rather, you're acknowledging and accepting them.

Tips for How to Validate Feelings:

In addition to validating statements, there are other tips you can use to validate your teen's feelings.

Listen actively: When your teen is talking to you, ensure you give them your full attention. Put away your phone and focus on what they're saying. Use body language and verbal cues to let them know you're listening.

Don't dismiss their feelings: Even if you don't agree with your teen's perspective or emotions, it's important not to dismiss or minimize them. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you understand why they might be feeling that way.

Reflect what they're saying: Paraphrase your teen's words to show them you're listening and understanding. For example, "It sounds like you're anxious about the upcoming exam."

Validate the emotions, not necessarily the behavior: You don't have to condone bad behavior or poor choices, but you can still validate your teen's emotions. For example, "I can understand why you might be angry right now, but trashing your room is not an acceptable way to express it."

Avoid giving unsolicited advice: Sometimes, your teen might want to vent or express their emotions without receiving advice. Try to validate their feelings before giving advice, and ensure they're open to receiving it.

Be patient and non-judgmental: It can be difficult to hear your teen express emotions you don't understand, but it's important to be patient and non-judgmental. Remember that their experiences and emotions are valid, even if you struggle to relate.

Possible Challenges of Validating Your Teen

As a parent, one of the challenges you might face when trying to validate your teen is that they might not always be receptive to what you have to say. In other words, it's in their nature to rebel – a tendency that is a natural part of adolescence as your teen tests the waters and tries to figure out who she is. 

The other reason is that teens are going through many changes and may not always be able to understand, let alone express, how they feel.

While it can be difficult to see your child struggle or act out, remaining calm and understanding is key. Explain that you understand their feelings and offer advice or support when needed.

If possible, avoid getting into arguments or power struggles with your teen, as this will only worsen the situation. Instead, try to have open and honest conversations to understand each other better.

If validation or communication is becoming a regular struggle at home, seeking professional support might be helpful. And if you're concerned about your teen's mental health, early intervention can make a big difference.

Bridge the Gap Between Mom & Teen Through Therapy

Parenting a teenager is no easy feat, and it's important to acknowledge the challenges they face. Validation is a powerful tool that parents can use to support their teens through this difficult, ever-evolving phase of their lives. 

Remember to use validating statements to show your teens that you're there for them, no matter their challenges. By acknowledging and accepting their emotions, parents can help their teens develop emotional regulation skills, boost their self-esteem and confidence, and strengthen their relationship with them.

If you suspect that you've been invalidating your teenager or that they could benefit from having someone else to talk to, it's never too late to make a change. I offer specialized therapy for moms and teens who need a safe space to express their thoughts and feelings without judgment.

After all, sometimes improving your validation skills starts with having a supportive someone to validate you.