How to Help Your Teen with Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a trait often celebrated in our society. We laud the over-achiever, the all-star athlete, and the one who is always striving to be the best.
But what we don't often recognize is the impact of encouraging excessively high standards for ourselves and others. What we don't talk about enough is the downside of perfectionism – the pressure it can put on teens who are already under immense pressure to succeed.
The Impact of Perfectionism
While there's nothing wrong with setting high standards for oneself, there is a point at which perfectionism becomes problematic. For some teens, the fear of making a mistake can be so crippling that it gets in the way of living a full life.
If left unchecked, perfectionism can severely impair a teen's academic and social ability. Teens who strive for perfection and fall short are likely to experience feelings of shame, inadequacy, and worthlessness.
Strategies for Helping Your Perfectionist Teen
As a parent, watching your teen strive for perfectionism can be difficult. You may see them stressing over schoolwork or extracurricular activities and wonder if they are putting too much pressure on themselves. You may worry about their mental and emotional well-being, as well as their future success.
Thankfully, there are things you can do to help your teen overcome this tendency and begin leading a more fulfilling life.
Help your teen reframe how they see things.
It's important to help your teenager find a balance between striving for excellence and being too hard on themselves. You can do this by helping your teen to identify what can be controlled, which is their effort, rather than the factors that influence their success; for instance, a teacher or coach who sets impossible standards.
Encourage your teen to strive for their best, despite the factors. The more they realize that they don't have complete control over every outcome, the less they will see each failure as a personal fault or flaw.
Help tame their inner critic.
If your teen is a perfectionist, you can help them by encouraging them to tame their inner critic. Help them to see that mistakes are simply opportunities to learn and grow. Start by being a role model for handling mistakes with compassion and ease, and encourage your teen to do the same.
When they are hard on themselves, ask them to imagine how they would speak to a friend in their situation. Would they be as critical? Probably not. Remind them that just like their friends, they deserve compassion and understanding - from themselves and others.
Be mindful of your priorities and praises.
If you tend to praise your child for their achievements, try to begin praising their efforts more instead. This will help them to see that you value their hard work, even if they don't always achieve perfection.
Second, emphasize life balance and reasonable standards. Help your teen see that there is more to life than getting straight A's or being the soccer team captain. Encourage them to take time for themselves and to set realistic goals, reminding them that it's okay to relax and enjoy the process.
Teach them healthy coping mechanisms.
Encourage your teen to take breaks when they feel overwhelmed and help them practice healthy coping strategies for dealing with stress and anxiety. This might include exercise (something they enjoy), journaling, art, or deep breathing exercises.
You can also let them know that therapy is always an option. After all, there is so much you can do as a parent to help, but you aren't expected to know everything – and that's precisely what you're trying to show them.
With therapy, your teen can see the bigger picture: seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. I can provide a safe space for them to explore their perfectionism and learn new ways of managing it. Together, we can help your teen overcome perfectionism and find a healthier life balance.
